Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
