Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
