All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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