they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
