Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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