i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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