Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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