I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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