i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
