i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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