Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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