so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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