so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
