There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
