we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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