I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Acid is not a monday night drug
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
