I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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