Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
