I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
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