So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
