dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
