don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
