Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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