Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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