Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
