Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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