I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
