Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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