I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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