and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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