She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
