just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
