Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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