the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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