How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
