You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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