I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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