the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
