Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
