she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
