My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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