My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
