the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
