Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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