It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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