she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
