I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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