I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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