Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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