i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
