i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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